an email from Dexter dated Thu, 23 Feb 2006 18:12:44 -0800 (PST)

Baby,

I just want to say that I miss you so much and I love
you from the very depths of my soul and my heart.
baby, i am thinking that if there will be a despideda
party for those who'll be leaving La Salle, i will surely say that:

"The reason of my leaving La Salle is that it's high time for me to look on the matters of my heart.  For long time since i have selflessly served the people - and now - maybe it's time that i look at the matter of my own heart. I am in love and you know who she is - and when i am in love, i am willing to give up everything for this very special person in my heart. i love Sheila and its time that i respond to my heart's need for her. i love La Salle but maybe its time for me to move on and do what my heart desires."

"Along with my resignation is my application for dispensation of my vows and my ordination. I believe that God is really not calling me to priesthood but to become a good husband and father and a lay church worker. i always believe that if i am not successful in serving God alone maybe i will be successful in serving God with somebody beside me - and i found the perfect woman for that role, Sheila. i hate to leave La Salle and especially when people tell me that i have ignited a spark into the life of the community but i guess that's enough for me and let others carry on the work. the work is not mine but God's and thereby it will continue even without me. God has taught me mine and may God teach you yours. i love La Salle and i want still to stay but sadly that it is also at this point in time that i need to heed my heart. i dont want to give up La Salle but prolonging my stay here may be a factor of losing this someone special to my heart - and i dont want to lose this one in a billion woman. So, i must go. But before that - i would like to say thank you to everyone for becoming a part of me. For sure God is always with you because I will always say a prayer for you all - i love you all and i mean it. Gracias!"

Dexter

the break-up scenario happened only in my mind. and my broken-hearted self is but a product of my false imaginings. this journal is biased and unreliable, i must admit. it's an outlet where i transform into words whatever i feel on a particular moment. and since emotions could rapidly change, it is therefore unreliable. However, all entries here are expressions of my soul... and the soul never lies.

Tonight I made a conscious decision to stop crying.  Not becoz I'm no longer grieving but becoz I want to keep on living (not existing). Therese posted a comment in my previous blog entry that if it's not bound to happen now, maybe it will in the next life. Or if God doesn't want to make me wait so long then maybe it will only take a year or two. If God brought us together in His love, then there's no reason why He will completely shatter us apart.  If He allowed us to get back together many times before, then it's definitely possible that He'll bring us together for good. If you're really fated... every road you take will lead you back to where you have left off with your partner. I believe this with all my soul.  And why not, my grandmother's lovestory is one of the many testimonials on destined partners. She and my step-grandpa weren't able to battle the complexities in their young age and they were completely separated against their will.  For so many years none of them had a news about the other. But miracle allowed them to met again just when both of them were old and widowed. Their old heart felt young again and the symphony which was lost for so many years was playing it's tune once more.  The story of my grandmother is not an isolated case, I know that when God works, He does wonders!  If they had not met again in this lifetime, they definitely will meet again in the succeeding life, or if there's no such thing as reincarnation, it's still feels good to think that God opens up another chance just when we've exhausted it all. Sometimes I feel that God is fed up with my persistence, but merely thinking of the possibilities already gives me great joy.   

Many people may find it ridiculous that my heart beats for only one man. I can't even imagine myself saying this! But while God allows me to feel this attachment for Dexter, then I shall never betray my heart.  If we're really not fated, I know that God will remove from me this feeling.  But while He doesn't then I shall remain faithful to the commitment I swore before Him.  Come to think of it, the entire chapter of my life with Dexter has truly been wonderful. And if the chapter has to end, at least it ended so well.

still my mantra goes... "Lord, keep us always in Your love."

in this over populated earth... i am alone. my lonely soul continues to exist not becoz it wants to but becoz it has to. in my younger years i had always been carefree and happy... if God is indeed fair, then maybe all my worries now is the price i have to pay for those joyful days. my faith in Him is deeply rooted and i know in God's time everything will fall into place. i just have one question i hope He'll answer:  why did God refused my incessant request this time? over and over for many years i begged Him to grant my desire and apparently the answer is no. may God take away from me such a desire which isn't part of His will. But why Lord? I just can't understand why something so good isn't part of your will. Still I pray that you do with me what you will, at whatever time you will. Please take care of him whom i vow to commit myself to. Just take good care of him Lord, and i will be happy. 

every day, every night
you're the one i always dream of   
every line of your face is sketched
so plain inside my heart
you've grown so deep inside of me
you're everything i feel and see
and you're the one, you're the one i love

only you could move me enough
to believe in love one more time
all i need to look for tomorrow
is that you're mine
mine for a lifetime

Evenings used to be my most desired moment. But now I wish there’s just morning, afternoon and daybreak. For what used to be my hour of solitude is now hours of loneliness; my time for imaginations and dreams is now a time of confrontation with myself; and the relaxing moment has transformed into a depressing moment.

Tonight, all sorts of what-if questions pop into my head – What if there has been a third party? What if he never really loved me at all? What if I never left the Philippines? What if… what if… what if? And like a mad woman I cry and laugh and sing while I try to answer my what-if questions.

The day before yesterday, Ian (a common friend) remarked that he could tell that Dexter truly loves me. And that if we end up together, it will be a marriage made in heaven. That remark just added to my list of what-ifs and for whatever reason I cry.

Then I feel good having recalled the countless of times Dexter told me “it’s you or never”, to mean that either he’ll have me or nobody at all.  I don’t care whether that statement is still true up to now.  All I know is that he meant it on the times he said it and on those moments I was the only girl who matters in his life.

And I laugh when I recall how we talk about Sonnet Marianne as if she’s already there; and what a spoiled little angel she is to her daddy and how jealous her mommy is over her.

And I sing the songs we sang together in a videoke marathon by the beach 13 months ago.  And I could still feel his embrace while we dedicate songs to each other on what is now our last videoke together just 5 weeks ago before I left the country. Now, I could hear him singin’ and his voice fills the silence of this cold, cold room.

Evenings couldn’t be that bad after all.  It makes me feel Dexter’s presence and once more I am vulnerable.  Come to think of it, there’s no such thing as running away from a broken heart.  Either I deal with this now or later.  But I think it’s best to be vulnerable and to allow myself to go thru the pain so that when it’s over, it’s over.

                                          
                                our first photo together taken 3 years ago

Allow me to indulge in bitterness for now rather than fascinate myself with Vietnam.

If I simply want to straighten things out, I could instantly run back into Dexter's arms and once again he's be my man. But things aren't that simple. First of all because I've been bruised and aching that I no longer have the strength to journey with him. And secondly because my mind is now clouded with doubts that I don't know which of his actions are real and which of his words are sincere.

I love the man for Christ's sake. And I asked him from Him-Up-There. Always I keep my focus on him. But now, after all the trouble and the pain, I'm starting to ask myself the hard questions. If God would really give me a partner, I'm definitely certain that He will give me a partner who will truly make me happy. I'm certain that this man will be proud of me and will not deny me to anybody. I hate to say this, but the most frustrating part in a relationship is when your partner would hide you from people who matters and you get the feeling that he can drop you at any time like a hot potato. If Dexter truly loves me, I wouldn't have felt this way. If I leave for good, it is with the consent of the One-Up-There. 

Dexter & i broke up today. Everything was working well between us except for the fact that we're miles away from each other. I sometimes ask God why He made loving so tough and so complicated... but if it weren't that intricate, it wouldn't feel as wonderful. Dexter was my best friend, critique, my baby, my lover. To sum it up he was my all-in-one partner. I seriously thought we would end up together because no matter how complicated things were in the past, we had always looked forward on the same direction; no matter how people tried to separate us, we had found ways to meet in the crossroads and hurry back in each others' arms. But I don't think this is still the case now. Everything happened so suddenly that I am still in a state of disbelief while I'm writing this. 

I know he was totally opposed with the idea that I leave the country. But I have a personal dream I need to follow before I settle down with him. I did everything to make him understand why I need to leave, this is just a momentary separation anyway. I could stay in Vietnam for only 6 months up to 1 year. Having so much faith in our love, which i think would survive the farthest distance, I insist to follow my dream. And he finally supported me in pursuing it and I felt that he was happy for me. And just like what most lovers do, we made a pact to stay together no matter what. But like most promises, it is now a broken commitment.

There's no third party involve or something like that which made us decide what we have decided. Only this distance is strong enough to tear us apart. God knows I could endure all pain if only to fulfill the commitment we made before 'The One Up There'. But Dexter doesn't want to get involve in enduring the suffering of being apart. I'm frustrated that he has so little faith in "us" even with my 4-weeks' absence in the Philippines. He blames me for anything that threatens our relationship because for him, the cause of all these threats is my absence. I can't blame the guy for being a weakling. He loves me but he doesn't love me enough to keep me. I'm not angry but I am frustrated... that this man whom I have so much faith in will give me up so easily. Maybe he doesn't love me at all.

I am still grieving over his departure, and I don't know for how long I will grieve. I want to hold on, but I feel that he desperately wants to leave. So we both said goodbye and I know that my chapter with him has ended. It is a wonderful chapter, nonetheless. Sharing my life with Dexter for 3 years was a fulfilling adventure. I was truly happy and contented with him. And I will continue to thank my God each time I think of this man whom I may never see again.